Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
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I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.