1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
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I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.