this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
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I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Lmaoo 😂
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am