Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
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Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be