If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
You Might Also Like
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
All. The. Damn. Time.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all