I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
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It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist