man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
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I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
who wants to go expliring
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop