[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
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If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Banking tips
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.