”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
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This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.