watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
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The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
tis the season
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.