I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
You Might Also Like
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Who knew!
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym