DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
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Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
*watches the world burn*
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I’m sorry…what?
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
selena gomez
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.