TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.