Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
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I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Don’t tell me what to do
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”