I’m ready for Halloween this year
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Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”