Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
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#MeanwhileInCanada
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.