I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
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Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Ah yes. The three genders
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves