I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
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me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.