‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
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there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
January is lasting longer than my marriage
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.