Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
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The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
they should invent a hydrating liquor
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*