I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
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*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
best first i’ve ever seen
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.