It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
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life finds a way
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Thoughts
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.