Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
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I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard