7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
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*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Sticker placement is key.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.