If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
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Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.