I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
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I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
This is painfully accurate 😅
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party