I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
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Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
adding to the discourse
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.