ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
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How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I’m aging like a fine banana
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?