You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
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People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.