absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
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I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
next question.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.