me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
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“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.