GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
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My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??