Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
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In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
reduce, reuse, recycle
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.