Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
You Might Also Like
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Webb. James Webb.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.