Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
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My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..