“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith