[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
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If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
#polloftheday
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Happy Caturday!
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.