Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
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There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.