(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
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I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
After 35, your body ages in dog years
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.