Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
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If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?