Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
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The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’