At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
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Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex