my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
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Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Teamwork makes the dream work.