That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
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I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably