Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
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[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,