If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
You Might Also Like
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
adding to the discourse
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.