Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
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Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
my professor scared me for a second
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.