Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
You Might Also Like
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
*weighs self after shaving
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.