If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
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Attacked by a mop.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
and now we wait
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir