Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
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I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I’M CRYINGGG
is this how new cars are made??
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw